Instructions for those Moving to Texas

1. Save all manner of bacon grease.
You will be instructed later how to
use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow
and ice does not mean we can.  Stay
home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't
panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel
drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow
chain will be along shortly.  Don't try
to help them. Just stay out of their way.
This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals &
ammunition & bait in the same store.

5. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is
plural. All y'all's is plural  possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't
from around here, are you?"

7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15
mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle
of the road, remember, many
folks learned to drive on
a model of vehicle known
as John Deere, and this is
the proper speed and
lane  position for that vehicle.

8. If you hear a redneck exclaim,
"Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of
his way. These are likely the last
words he will ever say.

9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat,
it's the humidity."  And the  collateral phrase
"You call this hot? Wait'll August.

10. There are no deli's. Don't ask.

11. In conversation, never put your
hand on a man's shoulder when
making a point, especially in a bar.

12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.

13. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven.

14. Don't tell us how you did it
up there. Nobody cares.

15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry.
It'll cool down-in December.

16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December,
January, February, and Summer!

17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status
symbol. A Ford F-150 is.

18. If someone tells you
"Don't worry, those
peppers aren't hot",
you can be certain they are.

19. If you fail to heed my warning in
#18 above, be sure to have a bowl of
guacamole handy. Water won't do it.

20. Rocky Mountain oysters
are NOT oysters. Don't ask.

21. If someone says they're
fixin to do something, that
doesn't mean  anything's broken.

22. Don't even think of ordering
a strawberry daiquiri. What you
really  mean to say is 'margarita'.

23. If you don't understand our
passion for college and high school
football just keep your mouth shut.

24. The value of a parking space is not
determined by the distance to the door,
but by the availability of shade.

25. If you see a slower moving
vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the
shoulder that is called courtesy.
(this really happens)

26. BBQ is a food group.
It does NOT mean grilling
burgers and hot dogs outdoors.

27. No matter what you've seen
on TV, line dancing is not a
popular weekend pastime.

28. Tea = Iced Tea.
There is no other kind.

29. Everything goes better
with Ranch dressing.